I was reading a thing the other day where Jesus was talking about the apocalypse and the end of the world (no mention of snow)... and he described the worst of it like "labor pains"... Like maybe all the crap in the world was just labor pains for something else that's coming. Something better.... More Beautiful.
I was sitting across from Julia.. trying to answer her question about God..... But my mind was still flying through thoughts and images..
I had learned it was a dangerous world... That's what nursing had taught me.... (and life). And sometimes I felt like I had been tricked.
Like a fast, hard labor contraction... an image flashed into my head. A dark room.... A distant light..... the sound of running water.... (... maybe an after-death experience? I wondered)...
My wife Lisa and I had spent 3 years trying to get pregnant the old fashioned way but then suddenly I was spending all my time in a waiting room.... Ultrasounds.... Tests.... Physical exams... (humiliation)... And within 2 years we were beginning the process.. (invitro-fertilization)... And then I found myself kissing my wife (dressed in sterile hospital blue) as they rolled her back.
30 minutes and she was done. And then we went home and waited for two weeks and a blood test to see if we were finally pregnant.
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A lot of really good things happen in a hospital room... Birth's.... (pregnancies.... evidently)... Healing happens... Obscure diagnosis's made and confirmed.... And treated... people can overcome cancer in a hospital room...
When I walked into my patients room, (7616) she was glowing.
(not just the jaundice).
And she was calling me over to her bedside (no one else in the room. I was the first person seen since she had heard the news).
Come over here.... I just got the news. She said. I'm in remission. My cancer's gone.
(she was jubilant).
I don't like getting too close to patients. And for a second.... my legs locked.
Come here. She said. It's gone. The doctor just left and told me that my cancers gone.
She was holding her bruised arms out to me ready to receive my hug like we were old friends and I felt some panic run through my legs. But then suddenly... Like that freaky quantum particle on it's unpredictable path... My legs loosened and my feet began to move and suddenly I was hugging her and from that moment on... all I noticed was how happy she was.... Happy like we were.... my wife and I... when we found out that we were finally pregnant. Our one and only chance... coming down to this moment, and it had worked. We were pregnant.
There was a flash of light, like another labor pain. The light was blurry and distant... I was laying in a bed in the middle of a dark room... There was the sound of running water and there were muffled sounds. Crying. Sometimes sobbing. And then I remembered where the memory had come from... And how it had all gone down.
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I remembered holding a video tape like a proud father.... handing the doctor the tape. It was a routine check. And I remembered that he didn't start the tape right away... But first started into the Ultrasound... scanning for images that I could never make out... no matter how much he described them.
But he wasn't describing anything. And I reminded him to begin the tape. And he said he would as soon as he found what he was looking for. And then a bunch of time and silence went by.
After a few minutes he said... guys I'm not seeing what I want to see here. And I began to realize that what was happening wasn't good. And then a few minutes later he was saying that we wouldn't make any official decisions without another Ultrasound... But he couldn't see a heart beating.... And he added.... we would return in a few days and check again.
After that there was shock and silence... And the long drive home in more silence... And there were calls to friends and visits... and prayers... And sometimes there was pleading... But then after everyone went home... We were alone again... tears in our bedroom... lying in our bed... then the lights off... and restless hours till sleep.
But then in the morning. In that moment of waking... just like all the crazies that I knew... there was the struggle for reality... (was it all real?... .....Maybe it was just a horrible dream).
A flash of light came from across the bedroom. My wife... turning on the bathroom light. And the sound of running water... the shower. And then crying... sometimes sobbing... the confirmation that it wasn't just a dream... But it was true... We had lost our only baby.
I lay there in the dark trying to say something... anything... but my tongue was stillborn thick... and my words wouldn't come out...
But then suddenly as my tongue loosened I said the only words that came to mind... What if there's no God..? I thought.
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Julia was looking at me... from across the break-room table... waiting on a response.
Do you believe in God??? She had said.
My body was in the break-room... but I was still lying there in the dark... motionless... sweat running over me like amniotic fluid.... jaw clinched shut with an umbilical cord around my neck so I couldn't speak... And while I lay there blue from lack of oxygen... I wondered again if we were all alone in this world... And what would happen next... And if there could be a good answer for Scott and Julia... And ultimately I wondered if anything beautiful could ever come from something as "fucked up" as this.
(part 4 to come)...
You know I remember that night. The call. The emotions. I remember previous to that the conversation we had about "Parent guilt". You told us that we could still be friends and we shouldn't feel guilty about being parents. I remember that conversation being a relief. I also remember more relief when the IVF was done and we were on our way. Later I remember getting that call that night, we were still living in our apartment and I remember hearing it in your voice. I immediately laid on our floor and we just cried together on the phone. No words. I remember praising God after a while over and over. Thank you Father, Thank you Father...I remember that He makes all things perfect. That we have to submit to his will. I remember still crying after we hung up and I explained to my wife. I remember believing in God more than ever that night.
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