Julia (part I)

I started reading the book "Catcher in the Rye" a few years ago.  It's about a young dude (Holden Caufield) who eventually goes crazy.  But before he ends up in the looney bin, he decides to leave his life......  Check out...

Basically he just gets up and walks out.

Its a Great read...  A classic...  Also a little creepy.  Not the story itself but the fact that at least 3 different people (Rebecca Schaeffer...Ronald Reagan... John Lennon) have either been shot or killed by men (crazies) who say that they were reading the book while they were stalking their chosen celebrity.

The book, itself, has nothing to do with killing or murder.

("rational"..... Is not how crazy does things).

But that's the problem with crazy.  It's chaos (in the brain) causing chaos in (real life).  It's like a conversation I was having with a friend from work (her name is Julia).  

I remember we were sitting in the break room.  The television was on, and the crazies were yelling at me from down the hall.  There was a window across the room with a view of the park (and the psych hospital..... Parkside), and Julia was sitting quietly eating a whole-wheat muffin. 

The Today Show was running a story on Anne Rice who had evidently just developed a faith in God (or reignited an old faith.. -formerly catholic...).  And I was waiting for my lunch to be interrupted by some kind of chaos... or by one of my crazies walking down the hall naked (happens all the time).... when suddenly Julia looked at me and said..  I don't believe in God....  And she added.... And what's the deal with Santa Clause?

I have to admit that for a second I thought I was hearing the random thoughts in her head...... like maybe I was a mind reader..

But then she asked me if I had heard what she said, and with a mouth full of food, as I looked at her, I just nodded for her to continue talking (which I totally knew she wanted to do.... proof Im a mind reader) and she continued to talk.

I don't understand why any one would let their children believe in Santa Clause and God both, she said.  It's a lie.  If Santa's not real.... maybe God's not real.

Julia was a science girl...  She was a nurse... A good nurse..  But between the two themes most common in nursing (pastor/scientist)... Julia leaned heavily towards science.  In fact she liked all the sciences... Chemistry... Physics... Biology...

I wanted to respond to Julia but everything I thought of sounded like Forrest Gump...

I believe in Jesus.. Lieutenant Dan...

so I just asked her the first question that popped into my mind.  

Why don't you believe in God? I asked....

God's not really all that accessible is he?  She asked.  If there were a God.... Don't you think he would be a little easier to spot??? There's too much chaos in the universe, anyway...  randomness.  She said.  She was talking about physics. quantum particles... and stuff.  There were sounds coming from the hallway.  Shrieks.

How could there be a God with so much chaos?

I was about to speak when a call came from over head.

Jamie...  One of your patients needs you in the hall.

When I stepped out of the break room, I saw my patient.  A small grey wrinkled woman, saggy and deranged... heading quantum like down the hall towards us......... all wild eyed and naked.

As I walked towards her... I started trying to "sugar-talk" her back to her room....
(prepared to pick her up and carry her if necessary).

After securing her in bed...... (Posey vest)..... I returned to the break room.. But Julia was already gone....
No where to be found.

So I just sat down with my sandwhich, and began looking out the window with a view of the park (and Parkside)..... I was thinking about what it would be like to check out of my life like Holden Caufield from Catcher in the Rye.  But then Julia walked back in the room, sat down...... and then she asked me a question......

How bout you? She said.  Do you believe in God?

I thought about it for a long time before I spoke.  The answer to that question wasn't as easy as it once was.  And after a few seconds (that felt more like minutes), I looked at Julia and then I began to speak......

The Recovery Blues

Before my tattoo... as I was researching local tattoo artists... the thing that kept coming back about Mel D.s tattoo work was how clean it was.

Clean.  Beautiful.  Straight lines.... The most frequently used word to describe his art was "clean".   And from an art perspective you cant get much better than that.  Precision Line... and Color... making shape... and form.... and depth.

Honestly it's the way life should be.  Life should be like art..... a painting made of strangers and acquaintances, and friends and loved ones... (Or lovers...).. All of them.... clean lines... making up a conglomeration of shape, and form... Towards the end of making up the overall picture of life.

The world should be a picture of something beautiful.              

But the world doesn't function like that.  In fact, sadly if the world were a canvas of human relationships, I think what we would find is a vaguely familiar shape mixed among a violent splatter of paint.... applied forcefully with say... something like a shotgun.   

I used to hang out with Recovery people a few years ago... And what I found is that recovery people tend to understand the chaos of life because they've been on both ends of the shotgun blast.

The saying goes that "hurt people... hurt people".  And rather than building relationships... hurt people make deals.... (and in desperation.... Threats!).  And in the end.. All of it adds up to chaos.

I've also found that recovery people have no problem being real and believing that all of us have something of the devil inside us.... because they've experienced him first hand....  Being offended they've offended strangers.... acquaintances.  Slighted friends.... Used and neglected families... Jilted lovers...  

All of it.... always like a shotgun blast spraying chaos all over the canvas of the world.

Its the reason, I think, that in recovery it's all about "staying clean".  Because only clean people can really build (or rebuild) relationships.  And only clean lines can make up the picture as a whole.